Where were you?

On December 14, 2012 a man walked into an elementary school and shot 26 people.  20 were 1st graders.  It is by far the most emotion I have felt about a global event.  It brings about a lot of questions.  Should people have guns?  How would we even take them all away?  Do people just need to be taught something about guns and killing?  Kids don't really understand where their food even comes from.  They have not seen anything die and wonder why it was it died.  What is the purpose?  Is it necessary?  In 30 or 60 years where will we be.  Living in a small town am I going to have to put bars on my windows?  We don't have to worry about terrorists just each other?  Is more government regulation really the answer?  Or maybe less?  Everyone for themselves.  I don't have the answer.  I know that I am not going to start carrying a gun.  I don't feel like I need to load up on guns. 

Sandy Hook has been touched by evil and I hope they will be stronger for it and not get swallowed up by it.

Listening

I think that all of us need to be reminded every once in awhile that we need to be good listeners.

The stupid people we work with

I try to not get too down on the people that I work with because it becomes intollerable working with them.  But sometimes you just have to vent.  There is a woman who makes about twice as much as I do and the other day she was trying to get a document to me for me to put on letterhead.  First off she can't attach anything to an email, she didn't even know her computer had an on/off switch,...you get the idea.  I don't know why this set me off the other day but really come on.  I asked if she could attach the document that she had typed to an email, from Microsoft Word, and she kept talking about scanning it.  I said that isn't going to work, at least not as well.  She has it right in her computer just send me the f-ing document.  Then she says well I only have the second page not the first.  How the f- can you not have the first page.  Then I asked her if she opened a session and typed the first page and opened a second to type the second.  Like she didn't know that she could just keep going.  I about lost it and told her that she really needed to take a computer class.  I realize that she is up there and I do feel there is a point you are around more for your historical knowledge then being able to keep up, but really you have to at least attempt to keep up.

Kindergarten

My son has started Kindergarten.  I can't believe he is that old.  Now begins the next 13 years of what he will be doing.  He has taken to it like a champ.  One of the aids said he just owns the hallways.  I am glad to hear that he is so confident in a new environment.  He has a small class on a great teacher.  I hope that goes all the way through his school years.  One bad teacher can totally wreck the rest of school so it is great that he is off to a good start and seems interested in what is going on.  I can't believe how much he has learned already.  The other day he counted to 28 without missing a beat.  He only stopped because he was counting steps in the shop and the shop ended.  He loooooooooooves riding the bus.  The other day I was going to pick him up and he wanted to ride the bus home instead so I drove home and waited for him to get off the bus.  He just looks so big.  I do wish now that there was another little one on the way but at the same time I don't need that kind of anxiety in my life when I have just gotten to a point where I sleep through the night.  A much needed thing if I am to keep my sanity!

The other side of marriage

This is my new segment called the other side of marriage.  I feel that I have a very good relationship with my husband.  We are best friends, lovers, parents and individuals.  Honestly marriage is going much better than I planned and I actually picked someone that I got along with instead of someone that I was just all horned up about.  It really bugs me however how he discusses.  Sometimes he can have a discussion and other times he gets very defensive if you bring something up.  And if there is something that I do that irritates him he will make comments but if I didn't the same things to him he would be pissed and defensive. 
It is these subtle things that you learn after you have been together for a long time.  I don't have the answer for how to fix these little pissing matches we get into and I don't know if I want to because sometimes I just am crabby like that.  I think that after you are married these subtle moments change because before you are married you think "I can just leave" or "I don't want them to leave, what can I do to/for them to make them happy and stay"  When you are married it turns into "How can I piss him off more to show him he is being totally ridiculous"  You know that neither one of you is going anywhere and you can play power games or you can just get over it and move on.  I am a big fan of the get over it and move but it is fun to toy with them a bit before you get over it!

Truly cherished moments

I don't know if my Auntie Karen realizes just how much I appreciate that the last two years she has come up here.  It is just how I dreamed vacations would be.  There is no stress (at least I don't feel any)  I am just glad to have my family up here to see them and for them to be doing things that they would like to do.  I don't feel like I have to hang out with them for the whole week.  This year we divided up and it worked great.  My Aunt and her best friend, my cousin and sister, and then my cousins daughter was with us.  I think that everyone had a great time.  Next year my uncle will be coming along.  We will see who he pairs off with for the week!  Perhaps his favorite nephew!  But the time together is great and everyone is relaxed and happy and not worrying about doing this or getting that done.  Or having to see so and so.  If it happens great and if not don't lose any sleep over it.

Couple things

Being a parent is hard being a step-parent is way harder.  I am not complaining I have a great step-daughter and we get along great.  But it is a fine line that you are always walking.  I might dive into that more later.

I have a bit of a dilema.  I have a friend that has a boyfriend that is a nice enough guy.  But early on in their relationship I had a bad feeling that I shared with my friend and I have for the most part been good about not bringing it up again.  My friend is just going to have to figure out on her own whether this is how she wants to spend the rest of her life.  Like I said he isn't a bad guy.  So another buddy had the opportunity to hang out with the boyfriend.  When the buddy got back from hanging out with my friend's boyfriend he said that all the boyfriend talked about was how much stuff he had gotten his girlfriend to buy him, the boyfriend also never paid for his lunch that day or gas and didn't offer to pitch in any money towards it.  Again it is a situation where my Buddy says he is a nice enough guy but he is using his girlfriend.

I know it gets confusing not using names, but we run into these dilemmas all the time in life and it is so frustrating trying to figure it out.  I don't want to piss off my friend but I just want to share.  I know relationships need to run their course and there is no rushing it. 

I believe that we all chose partners and they are all going to have something that is wrong with them or something that we put up with or ...something, but we love them anyway.  I think the thing that I like the least is the smoking.  I always imagined one day I would quit, but I really suck at quitting when my husband is a smoker too.  So since we have chosen to slowly fill our lungs with tar that is maybe worse then being with someone that is living off of you.

There is always a chance

"when the instructions say the marshmallows could start on fire, they mean it! "-Karli after making smores pie which she got a lot of compliments on.  First of all I am very glad that my sister is interested in cooking.  I think we could have a lot of fun with that. 

I just read her entery about wanting to have babies.  By the way I am all for her having babies and lots of them.  Here is a couple of things I think that I know for sure:

-You are never totally ready.  If you want them have them.  Otherwise you are just making excuses

-If one person wants babies and the other doesn't, don't count on trying to change the one's mind who doesn't want babies because most likely it isn't going to happen.  Been there and done that.  Lost

-It feels like forever when you are not having babies and then all of the sudden you have one and the only thing you remember about the time before having kids was sometime back in high school and then all of the sudden you are old with kids and you spend a lot of time talking about how old you are and how quick the kids are growing up.  That was one heck of a run on sentence.

-You spend a lot of time worrying about when, where, how, with who, how will I be as a parent, what is the kid(s) going to be like and it in the end you deal with what you get and you do what you can.  As they learn in preschool "you get what you get and you don't pitch a fit".

-Don't set yourself up to fail. 

-It never works out how you had it all planned out in your head.

That is about all I know today.  I hope it isn't too negative advise.

I am so glad that I have you for a sister! 

30!!

My apologize for not writing for a while.  The computer has been unplugged due to the desk being moved and the house under construction, and I can't really do any blog writing at work.  I wonder if they have an app for it :)
Life is going well, I am liking my new position at the hotel.  My crew is doing well and it gives me a good feeling when I walk away at the end of the week and for the first time in a couple years, I am able to walk away and not feel bad or worried or like I am going to get a phone call ten minutes after walking out the door.  I work four, ten hour days and sometimes Sunday's.  I have not been going in the last couple Sunday's and today I asked my immediate supervisor it that was OK?  She said it was, I pointed out that my last review, which was given to me by a jaded boss, stated that my fifty five hours a week was not enough and I wasn't dedicated.  Although this was not true, I wanted to make sure that my new supervisor was fine with my performance.  And, from what I know, she is.

Anyways, tis the season for fishing on the river and I have a wonderful boyfriend that gets my ass off of the couch and out into the woods.  It makes me realize just how out of shape I am.  He will sometimes ask my why I am all "huffy puffy" and I tell him I'm not, I'm just trying to breath.  I need to start walking the dogs more and making sure I go up at least one hill with them each time.  How pathetic!

My honey just turned 30, now he knows what I went through six months ago and coming to terms with it all.  I did have a small meltdown at his birthday and called my dad, I don't know if he could tell, but I was crying.  I was standing outside of the restaurant and asked dad if he planned on kids or if it just happened.  I don't know if you know, by my clock is ticking.  So, dad explained that him and Mom got married and she stayed on birth control for a couple of years and then they decided to have her stop taking it and let nature take its course, and then Dad asked me if I was pregnant.  I assured him I was not and then just flat out told him that I was thirty and without kids.  BOOM, instant tears.  Like I said though, I don't know if dad could tell.  I have thought a lot about it since  but I know that I need to be in a different place in my life to be even remotely ready to have children.  But, it is still on my mind.  All of my siblings had their first child when they were either turning thirty or when they were thirty and now they are all married.  I guess I am just a little behind the trend.  Oh well.

But, enough of my rambling.  I love you sis and make sure to give the little ones big hugs from me.  PS K keeps asking when my nephew gets to come for a visit, she had a blast when she came to town with me :)

Bad with dates

I am terrible with remembering dates.  I probably could remember but they are just not that important too me.  But I would like it in the record books that we grilled out on March 18, 2012 and there was no snow around the fire pit.  It was over 70 and Kaj was running around in just his underwear!  Brandi had shorts and a tank top and they were running around barefoot in the snow that had melted. 

Bacon Roses

Bacon Roses are the easiest cool looking bouquet.  It is just a little gross at the same time that it is made out of meat.  Buit Skinner loved them for Valentines and one of the girls at the bank really liked them for her birthday when I made them. 

Valentine's

Valentine's Day is a very thoughtful day in my opinion.  Sometimes you can do or get great things and other times not so much.  I do always like it though as a little reminder to think about others.  Which reminds me that I should have sent my sister some flowers but I am tapped out.  Sorry Sis!  I am hoping to make Skinner some bacon roses we will see how that goes.

Love it

I love sharing this blog with my sister.  It was great to hear about work, not that I don't talk to her you just add in extra verbage when you are writing like you are talking to everyone in the world. 

Work: interesting that you brought that up last time.  I have worked as a loan officer now longer than I have done anything else.  I really enjoy it.  Is it something that I will do forever, it will be interesting to see.  There really is nothing else that I can do with my level of education and not a lot of opportunities in this small town anyway.  So I will definately be here for awhile anyway. 

Bette White turned 90 and I watched her birthday bash on TV.  Over the course of her career she really played a horny woman a lot. She is very cheeky and I still love her. 

By the way Auntie you need to get your butt up here more often.  Your nephew was just asking about you again last night.

Ah life . . .

So, I am getting closer to have a work identity.  What's worse, is that I am realizing just how much I have let my job identify who I am over the last couple of years.  I don't mind being labeled "hard working" or "dedicated" (which I feel I am)  But to be changing positions and feel as though everything is wrong, just because its different . . . .it's strange.  On a lighter note, I am sleeping better and I have found myself laughing a lot more, which is AWESOME!!  So, what does that tell you?  Either my job was way more stressful then I thought or I was starting to not like it or I take things WAY to seriously.  (psst - I think it was all of the above)  I am not longer in charge of the "Large scale musical" but I have ramped down to take a break and do a "small show in an experimental theater".  (for those of you theater buffs, you will understand me perfectly)  And, OH MY GOSH!!  I could actually do some theater again . . .maybe. 

Lost Puppy Syndrome

Recently at my place of work, we have undergone some changes.  The boss that I had for 6 years decided that he was going to pursue other business ventures.  Good for him.  However, the terms in which he and I left it was not the greatest.  Needless to say, I am still very angry and disappointed with the entire situation. 

But, what's done is done.  Moving on.

It is interesting to me how much I have engulfed myself in my job, to the point that it decided what I wear . . . Let me explain. 

Under the new Boss, he is switching things up.  Due to the old boss being on a sabbatical, a lot of his responsibilities fell on my shoulders for that 3 months (but he still got to call the shots and get paid, go figure)  Now, there is more upper Management then I have ever dealt with.  Before it was me and the old boss.  Now I am facing yet another person to answer to before I answer to the Boss.  Responsibilities and being cut back, but hopefully not the pay :).  Job description is up in the air and no questions have been answered.  I call this the "Lost Puppy Syndrome".  It has gotten to the extent of the unknown that I don't even know what to wear in the morning.  How sad is that.  I have let this job dictate who I am to the point that I don't even know what to wear.  Not knowing my day will bring at work.  Am I going to like it? Am I going to be able to share the responsibility and not be bitter?  Am I going to step too far back and get myself in trouble?  Who knows . . . .

It really is unfortunate that I spent the last two weeks with my old boss completely feeling disrespected and angry.  I was told that the only reason I was successful at my job was because of him . . . .In my review, the terms like sluffing off were used . . . . .he was disappointed in me.  Disappointing him!?!  What do you think I was feeling about him?!?  I have never felt so angry and confused in my life.  Someone that I had trusted and worked with and for, threw me right under the bus without hesitation.  It was a hard lesson to learn, but you can't trust everyone and rarely anyone.  And those you think you can trust will almost always disappoint you or shatter your looking glass.  It was recommended by someone that I go to his new work place and make amends.  Right, sounds like a good idea, but I am in no way ready to even say hi.  I have never, ever, had anyone treat me the way that he treated me in both my work review and in our ending conversations.  The greatest part of the entire story is that he is still going to be around in an unofficial capacity for the next three weeks. AWESOME!!!  (please note the sarcasm)

I am hoping that this week will result in some answers and hopefully the rest of my wardrobe will fall into place.