When I am old...

When I am old and need to be moved to a place where more people can care for me.  I will try not to hold it against my children.  When I am old and need more care I hope that I am able to recognize it at the same time my children do so that they won't have to break it to me or forcible have to make me stop driving.  Currently we have a Grandma who is 87.5 and she just seems to keep going along at her place in Arizona and let me tell you she really should be in assisted living.  I told me Aunt we are just going to have to move her whether she likes it or not.  She is not arriving at an anwer on her own so this is what we are going to have to do.  It isn't going to be pretty but I just don't want her to be down there by herself anymore and I don't want someone else to get hurt with her driving.

Life Adventures

First, I would like to say that you are not the only one that asks Dad for money.  He came to softball night, while he was in town, and I tugged on the sleeve of his shirt, and like a child, I asked Dad for ten bucks.  The only difference was that I wanted a beer.

But, anywho, I have been feeling bored at work lately and have finally gotten the courage to do something, or attempt, to do something about it.  I, as an adult, have managed to purchase a house, a car, 2 large dogs and, like most people, find myself broke every month due to how complicated I have made my life.  I admire my friends that saved money and bought 40 acres and will continue to live in the trailer home on the back of their dodge pickup truck while they build there dream home.  Life seems so much simpler for them.  So, I am going to make some phone calls to see if there is something else out there for me.  I have worked at the same job for almost 8 years(in October) and am needing a change.  Put the house on the market, move into the woods and attempt to make a living near my family and friends.  I am getting support from my other half in doing so.  I hope that there is something out there for me.  And, then I will ask Dad for money to pay back the 401K loan I took out to pay everything off :)  Its a big viscous cycle.

Anxiety

My old friend anxiety has come to visit again.  I was out of work for about a month just trying to calm down and feel normal again.  Not panic so much this time as anxiety attacks.  I have gotten to have some wonderful experiences though with having energy work done and accupuncture.  I will try anything when I am not feeling well.  I wonder how long I will be on the meds this time.  I don't mind the meds other than it ruins my sex life.  Maybe some of the energy work can help with that.  I am at least not embarrassed.  I can't help that this happens to me.

anxiety

My personal definition of the word is the inability to live in the present.  I used to always live in the present.  I am not going to worry about things I have no control over.  Everyone dies, shit happens, the world keeps turning.  Now I continuely keep having this problem of thinking about things that I have no control over and it affects me physically.  Almost a paralysis from doing anything.  I am nervous I will pass out and die.  Or pass out and freak my children out.  How does one get that ability to live in the moment back?

Well we know that Kaj and Brandi can handle someone passing out in front of them . . .Kaj just looked at me and said "Don't freak me out like that" :)  And then back to his burger.  

Journals

I have journaled for many years now.  About 22 years to be exact.  Sometimes I have really only written a couple of times a year in my journal.  I have saved all of my journals though.  They are on a shelf in the shop.  I am just not sure what to do with them.  I always imagined it would have been cool to find journals that my Grandmothers had written.  A secret insight into their lives, like in the movies.  Anyway so I have been thinking a lot about these journals and who might read or benefit from them.  I don't know that they have a lot of benefit but they do show a pattern of spinning my wheels over different guys.  I don't know that I ever got the relationship thing.  I always (not always but pretty much 99% of the time) fell in love at first sight and was infatuated even though I was definitely not getting anything in return.  Not that these men were mean, they were my friends and that is all they wanted.  Then I got a bit older and was in relationships and again holding on to something that wasn't going to happen, but I was just sure that it was and I can't get this person out of my head.  Whew I hope that if it is my children that read them that it helps them to avoid the same fate.  Or maybe I will burn them and they will have to figure it out on their own!  I really don't miss that will he or won't he thinking.
My husband was gone for a night to a class in Duluth and I started to get a little panicky without him. We are both very independent people but we really have not been apart hardly in 6 years.  You start to depend on having the regular appearance of that person and when it isn't there you start to feel that something isn't right. The nice thing about feeling so connected is that he doesn't have to be gone for 2 weeks for me to learn to appreciate him all over again.  By the way he was the 1% that I didn't fall instantly in love with.  He grew on me slowly but surely.  And he definitely had things that were at the top of my list that I didn't want.  The first being someone smaller than me.  But here I am with a guy 100 pounds lighter than me but you would never know it with his big personality.  Enough about guys.  I just was thinking about those journals and what broken records they will be.  Yikes.  I know I am not reading them again.

Parents and money

I am currently 35 years old and you would think that I wouldn't need to ask my Dad for money.  But with my Contract for Deed going south I just couldn't cover those payments.  So do we ever get a point that we get to stop asking our parents for money?  Being in the banking world I know of people in there 40s, 50s and 60s that still need to ask their parents for money so I guess that helps make me feel better.  I just hope that I am not one of those people when I am that age!

Off

Do you ever have one of those days when you are bit off.  Yesterday was like that for me.  I discoverd about 11 that I was a bit off because I had my underwear on inside out.  Just regular cotton undies you would think would not make that much difference but it just didn't feel right.  Not uncomfortable or anything just....not....quite...right.

Accupuncture

I don't care what people say accupuncture really does something.  I don't understand it all but I finally got to try it the last couple of weeks.  Ailments that I thought were sore muscles or bones out of place were no longer ailments after my qi started moving around.  It absolutely just fasincates me and hopefully will get me to a point where I feel normal again.  After having a child I realize there will be a new normal, I am just hoping for more energy, for focus and less anxiety.