Odds and Ends (Playing catch up)

Wow!  I have a lot to catch up on.  And, no, I did not roll my eyes, but it did make me giggle a little.  On religion:  I was very "spiritual" when I grew up, but I, unfortunately, grew out of the practicing part of religion.  The only times that I have felt spiritual is when I look over the lake and I see the sun coming through the grey clouds, and that to me, is my mother poking her head out and saying, "I'm still here and I'm watching you :)"  I do still believe in god and when I do go to church, it is a Lutheran church.  But, when I was a teenager, I became very pissed and wondered why everyone told me this is how it was . . .I mean Bible stuff.  This is what happened!  I didn't appreciate that and I wanted to make my own idea of what history was, yes, God is involved, but so are the dinosaurs. 

As far as the "Buddy" character.  I don't know what I feel.  My friends were in the building when he decided to open fire and I worry about them and hope they are doing OK.  I knew him, I feel bad for his family, but my sis is right!  Own Up!

And my nephew!  Don't even get me started, he is quite the character.  I enjoy that whenever I come to the house it's "Sleep Over Time".  Time to hang with Auntie!  When I went to town for Christmas, I could only be there for the day (because I had car trouble again!)  and as I was heading out to come back home, I went to say goodbye to him and his sister.  He, with his bottom lip sticking out, asked me "Why?".  Now, if you knew this kid, it would break your heart to hear the disappointment in his voice.  I was crushed, but he understood and can't wait to come in visit or have me come back to his house.   The last time he was at my house, his mom took him upstairs to go potty, and when they were walking up the stairs he said "Aunties house is old".  I think I need to put a new layer of paint on everything :)

ps.  If I hadn't just gotten done with a 10 hour work day, I would write about my adventures "on the job".  I will save that for the next post. :)

Prayer

It is time to get a little religious.  I know my sister is going to roll her eyes at this, but it is important to me and it is important that my children know this in a straight forward way since they may not pick up on it during their childhood.  A misconception I had about you your father children is that he didn't strick me as the most religious type guy.  But actually he is incredibly spiritual.  And he truly feels the most in touch with God when he is in the woods.  I have heard a lot of people say that they feel closer to God outside.  I personally think they are sort of telling the truth and also they want an excuse to get out of going to church.  But your father is very spiritual.  He prays before he goes to bed.  I can hear him whispering and I asked him what he was doing one time and he said praying.  He sometimes is singing a song too but he said he prays a lot.  Your Dad likes to talk a lot so I guess it shouldn't surprise me that since he is praying man that he would have a lot to say.  One of the things that I have noticed too doing youth work is that some kids have this built in spirituality.  I don't know where it came from or why they have it but they do.  Up until a couple of years ago B had no really regular religious interaction.  But we started going to church and she just loved and really seems to have a connection with God.  I pray Kaj gets to be the same way.  He is starting to have really fun questions and comments, like when we were waiting for the Christmas Eve service to start and he said when is God going to get here?...Cause I haven't met him yet.  It is wonderful to Bs faith growing and how much she is learning and the excitment that she has for it.  I also makes her Dad really happy too that she has that in her. 

Hot Bed

I really enjoy being married.  It sounds a bit funny to say since we got married 4 months ago it is still new.  We have lived together for over 5 years.  So I would say that is quite a bit of time to be together.  I love Skinner and have become dependent on him.  As much as I hate to say that it is true.  When you are in a relationship it is nice to know that you can do things yourself, but you also need to allow yourself to rely on and trust the other person.  When I was in Australia I got to know this wonderful couple in their fifties.  They had been married for almost 40 years and they were in counceling.  He was a wonderful man but she just had problems trusting him.  He hadn't cheated or abusive.  She just wasn't wired to trust.  The councelor had them do an exercise.  He was to lock the car doors every night for a week and she couldn't nag or even ask if he had.  She just had to trust that he would.  It was incredible.  She lasted a couple of days and then she just had to ask him.  We tend to come to rely on our partners, we need to to have a partnership, be a part of a team.  We don't know how we ever did it alone, but we have done it alone and someday we will again and we will be alright.  Skinner reminds me of that every once in awhile.  He is teasing me about something but it is a good reminder that we each have been on our own and while we love having the other person on our "team" we would each be alright on our own and the other person doesn't have to worry we will be alright.
On the other side of the coin when married the other person is always around and always will be.  Unless it is scheduled you just aren't going to be sure when you are going to get "me" time.  Last night Skinner climbed into bed and while I almost can't fall asleep with out us laying back to back because that has become so much a part of my routine.  He brings up the temp. in the bed about a 100 degrees to where I can't sleep.  And if he falls asleep first his legs twitch and the heavy breathing (sometimes snoring but not as much as one might think).  I just have to get out of there to go to a cooler room. 
Funny how people just can't be happy where they are and be thankful for the position they are in. 

Sometimes we make bad choices, OWN THEM!

At work I have some wonderful people that I get to be with every day.  One of them who is the VP is really nice but she has a real problem telling people when they have done something wrong.  There is no need to be nasty about it.  All you need to do is ask did you do this?  If so it needs to be fixed.  Do you need help with that?  But instead she will maybe point out directly to you that you did something wrong.  Most likely she will address all the lenders saying we all are doing it wrong and then make tons of excuse for why that may have happened.  Not being mean at all she just doesn't want to say it is your fault and that was a dumb move.  Sometimes I feel myself fall into that making excuses even when I was just human error.  It is really hard to get through to her that it was me that made the mistake and I will claim that.  I am not going to make up some bullshit excuse when it was just me being stupid one day or I just entered it wrong and I will fix it.  The other thing is that there are very few things that can't be fixed.  It may seem like things can't be changed but other than death and someone not being in love with you that you are in love with, I can't think of any.  In the world that I am raising my children we are so afraid to teach our children to take responsiblity for their actions. 
Case in point, in my opinion, one of my neighbors at the age of 36 was sleeping with 15-17 year old girls.  He is charged about 6 years ago.  He plead kinda guilty.  Meaning he would plead guilty but didn't have to say that he was but he thought there would be enough evidence to convict him.  After he did that he had to register as a sex offender.  He lost his job, but found another one(although it was for a business that wasn't thriving), I am sure he lost friends and so on and so on. 
But he came over to our house a couple of times in the last six years.  He really is a nice guy.  But he doesn't think that he did anything wrong.  He just could not understand what the problem was and felt that the County Attorney and the cops were out to get him.  I was talking with one of his family members and she said "it isn't always the guys fault you know.  Those girls would climb into his bed in the middle of the night.  What was he supposed to do.  He shouldn't be getting all the blame for it.  Those girls should take some of the responsibility."  Another family member said in the paper "I can name 20 other guys in this town that are older that are doing the same thing.  I don't see why my brother is the one that they are going after."  For real people.  Yes there are some 15 year old girls that are very mature.  But before you fuck them you need to realize that you could go to jail for it if someone got mad about it or turned you in.  It is like driving drunk.  You get behind the wheel of the car after having a few.  You know what the law is.  If you get caught own it.  It is no one's fault but your own.  No one is going to make you get behind the wheel of a car drunk and drive.  No one, especially not some 15 year old girl should be able to make a 36 year old man have sex with them.  What a load of crap. 
Anyway our neighbor just couldn't seem to let it go that he had been told what he did was wrong.  He felt that it was totally okay.  What is okay about telling people that you only like high school girls because after they graduate they get fat!  He appealled the ruling because of a technicality and was going to have a jury trial for each of the 3 girls he allegiedly had realtions with.  Keep in mind he never denied having sex with them just that it was wrong.  Anyway the jury of course found him guilty of the inappropriate relationship with the first girl and right after that he shot the  attorney and one of the witnesses.  So then of course he went to jail.  But still the family seems to blame everyone else for bad decisions their son made.  They are having a hard time putting together that he was a good guy.  He did lots of work for elderly people and never charged them or cashed their checks.  He loved animals.  But he also loved teenage girls and that is just not normal.  He could still be a good guy and have something wrong.  Not everyone is perfect all the way through.  But no one ever said Buddy you made a wrong decision and now you have to pay the consequenes but I still love you.  Instead they said Everyone else is doing it so it must be okay for him to do that and there is nothing wrong with you Buddy.  Everyone is just out to get you.  Personally I think Everyone has better things to do that worry about how to go after one guy. 
Anyway take responsibilty when you screw up.  It is okay we all do it.  Know that you are loved and move on.  Do not waste years of your life worrying about one mistake or even a few mistakes.  Correct if need be and move on.  If you can't correct it, like drinking too much, maybe you have a problem.  Like my Dad used to say "If there is something that you have to do, like having a drink or 10 everynight, then you might have a problem.  And it isn't very fun for people around you if you get crabby because you haven't had your 5 o'clock cocktail,  you really don't have to have that." 
Anyway to tell the whole story or at least to this point.  Buddy(not his real name of course)has been in jail for about 2 weeks.  On Christmas Day he got the flu and that night was sent to the hospital and died the next morning.  The whole think is tragic for the family.  Hopefully this will bring it all to an end.  And they won't want to drag it out.  I am hearing more rumors of them filing a lawsuit because he didn't get medical attention right away according to them.  Again they are saying this isn't his fault which just pisses me off.  He had sex with young girls, he shot a couple of people, he went to jail.  You don't get to go see a nurse whenever you want to when you are in jail.  Also no one can predict the future.  How is a guard who sees you throwing up supposed to know that in 5-8 hours you would be dead.  Bad things happen to good people.  But good people need to take responsibility when bad things happen.  People won't love them any less or think less of them.  I just can't stress that enough.  We have other things to worry about other than our opinion of other people all the time.

The World today

How does one not get lost in the crappy status of the world today?  It is depressing to think about but it is getting harder to afford things, we consume way too much crap, there is crazy violence and corruption. 

All I can control is my little part of the world I suppose.  Man am I the serious sister or what?!  Karli is the one that can make me laugh til I wet my pants.  I wonder why that is.  She does have the gift of humor naturally.  She got all the good stuff.  The ability to make people laugh, leadership, people feel they can confide in her, everyone loves her.  I am very blessed to have her as my sister and even more blessed to be as close to her as I am.  I wish that we were physically closer.  It would be great to see her more often.  I wonder if we would hang out alot if we lived in the same town.  When we lived together we did quite a bit.  I wonder if she would ever move back up here?  It is nice having a place to stay in Duluth but I am pretty sure I could figure something out.

Skinner was gone to a class overnight this week.  We have been together every night for at least a year if not longer.  I take that back I was gone for a couple of nights this spring.  But it has been a long time that he has been the one to leave the house.  It was so strange.  I used to be so independent.  I still am but at the same time it was one night and instead of relishing it like I used to I was just kind of lost without him there.  It was a very strange feeling.  It felt a bit like my love for him is growing everyday (sappy I know) but it is really true.  I am very lucky to be in the situation instead of thinking what in the hell have I done.  He really is my best friend.  I am really truly blessed.  I also pray that my kids will find that same thing when they decide to get married.  My is that a whole nother nightmare to think about.  Them getting married.  Although I would really like some grandchildren preferably close by.

I wish I had something really inspiring for the day but other than sappy true love and the world falling apart I got nothin'.