Nothing

I have not done one thing to accomplish the previous post.

Fit

I have really railed against dieting.  It would piss me off that these super skinny girls felt so poorly about themselves that they were always saying they needed to go on a diet.  So I have just resisted it.  We all need to be happy with who we are and really we don't have a lot of control about how our bodies are.  Yes you can be skinny but by doing it the wrong way it can make you sick and weak.  I really am big boned.  There is nothing I do about my ankles they are always going to be big.  But I do need to be healthier and I do need to shed some weight.  I need to lay of sugar and cheese and do need to do more "activities"  I just don't know what that is for me.  At this point I am so out of shape that the idea of going to a class I would be terrified of passing out.  And they only meet once a week.  I need to do something everyday after work like when I was in high school and we did volleyball everyday after school.  I have gotten videos (boring), gym equipment (at least I was only buying from garage sales because I would use it a couple of times and it was uncomfortable so away it would go), a yoga mat (but everytime I get on the floor the kids climb on me).  Really I have excuses for everything.  I just need to buckle down and do something.  I need to remember to start small so that I don't feel like a failure right away.  I need to work on quiting smoking and eating right.  So I am going to try and post here everyday to try and keep accountable and I have got to do one of those mirror selfies because quite often I don't notice that my body is changing.  So that is my plan now I just need to get motivated to start and figure out what I am going to do.

New beginnings and baggage

It never fails that just when you think that you have moved on and did it a long time ago something like a dream about an ex and his new wife and you all in a bed that makes you go what the heck was that about.  And then of course you see them later in person that day which never happens because you maybe see them once a year and it is usually in a car driving by.
The new beginnings is my sister running the Landing!  Love that she is doing that and I hope it works out that she will get to do it for a very long time.  It seems like God keeps giving her the opportunity to back out of it so it will be interesting to see what will happen in the end.  Will she find an investor?  Will she want to actually do it?  Can she keep up the pace?  Will this impact her choice of wanting kids?  Will she find a man?  Funny how it is that moving on with your life and not just sitting around waiting for a man to take care of you makes it harder or so it seems.  Please don't settle when you are young just because it might feel harder later on.  Wow that just got really complicated in my brain when I was going talk more about that so I will just stop now.  But just know that if you feel offended by what I said don't I feel there is more that I need to clarify there.  I just can't do it right now because I am Holidayed out and my brain has fried from lefsa.

Change

We always have change in our lives whether it is a small schedule change or a big change like the auction we just had of all our equipment.  It is a hard lesson to learn for kids and when audults are dealing with the big change at the same time it is hard to remember to think of the kids and help them to know that it is all going to be ok.  It isn't the end of the world.  We have had a lot of change lately.
-First Gert kept falling and not taking her meds.  We moved her to an adult foster care place.  Hillhaven is an amazing place for her to be.  There is always someone there and she is having all her meals made for her and housekeeping is all taken care of.  They make sure she takes her meds and if she falls there are emergency buttons all over the place.
-Lady died, very peacefully during the night.  We knew it was coming but still is sad.
-Auction of all the logging and dirt work equipment.

Big changes happened in just a couple of weeks.  After a little depression here hopefully we will start fresh and on a different road that will be more successful.  Success being measured by less stress, more family time and still be able to pay the bills.

When I am old...

When I am old and need to be moved to a place where more people can care for me.  I will try not to hold it against my children.  When I am old and need more care I hope that I am able to recognize it at the same time my children do so that they won't have to break it to me or forcible have to make me stop driving.  Currently we have a Grandma who is 87.5 and she just seems to keep going along at her place in Arizona and let me tell you she really should be in assisted living.  I told me Aunt we are just going to have to move her whether she likes it or not.  She is not arriving at an anwer on her own so this is what we are going to have to do.  It isn't going to be pretty but I just don't want her to be down there by herself anymore and I don't want someone else to get hurt with her driving.

Life Adventures

First, I would like to say that you are not the only one that asks Dad for money.  He came to softball night, while he was in town, and I tugged on the sleeve of his shirt, and like a child, I asked Dad for ten bucks.  The only difference was that I wanted a beer.

But, anywho, I have been feeling bored at work lately and have finally gotten the courage to do something, or attempt, to do something about it.  I, as an adult, have managed to purchase a house, a car, 2 large dogs and, like most people, find myself broke every month due to how complicated I have made my life.  I admire my friends that saved money and bought 40 acres and will continue to live in the trailer home on the back of their dodge pickup truck while they build there dream home.  Life seems so much simpler for them.  So, I am going to make some phone calls to see if there is something else out there for me.  I have worked at the same job for almost 8 years(in October) and am needing a change.  Put the house on the market, move into the woods and attempt to make a living near my family and friends.  I am getting support from my other half in doing so.  I hope that there is something out there for me.  And, then I will ask Dad for money to pay back the 401K loan I took out to pay everything off :)  Its a big viscous cycle.

Anxiety

My old friend anxiety has come to visit again.  I was out of work for about a month just trying to calm down and feel normal again.  Not panic so much this time as anxiety attacks.  I have gotten to have some wonderful experiences though with having energy work done and accupuncture.  I will try anything when I am not feeling well.  I wonder how long I will be on the meds this time.  I don't mind the meds other than it ruins my sex life.  Maybe some of the energy work can help with that.  I am at least not embarrassed.  I can't help that this happens to me.

anxiety

My personal definition of the word is the inability to live in the present.  I used to always live in the present.  I am not going to worry about things I have no control over.  Everyone dies, shit happens, the world keeps turning.  Now I continuely keep having this problem of thinking about things that I have no control over and it affects me physically.  Almost a paralysis from doing anything.  I am nervous I will pass out and die.  Or pass out and freak my children out.  How does one get that ability to live in the moment back?

Well we know that Kaj and Brandi can handle someone passing out in front of them . . .Kaj just looked at me and said "Don't freak me out like that" :)  And then back to his burger.  

Journals

I have journaled for many years now.  About 22 years to be exact.  Sometimes I have really only written a couple of times a year in my journal.  I have saved all of my journals though.  They are on a shelf in the shop.  I am just not sure what to do with them.  I always imagined it would have been cool to find journals that my Grandmothers had written.  A secret insight into their lives, like in the movies.  Anyway so I have been thinking a lot about these journals and who might read or benefit from them.  I don't know that they have a lot of benefit but they do show a pattern of spinning my wheels over different guys.  I don't know that I ever got the relationship thing.  I always (not always but pretty much 99% of the time) fell in love at first sight and was infatuated even though I was definitely not getting anything in return.  Not that these men were mean, they were my friends and that is all they wanted.  Then I got a bit older and was in relationships and again holding on to something that wasn't going to happen, but I was just sure that it was and I can't get this person out of my head.  Whew I hope that if it is my children that read them that it helps them to avoid the same fate.  Or maybe I will burn them and they will have to figure it out on their own!  I really don't miss that will he or won't he thinking.
My husband was gone for a night to a class in Duluth and I started to get a little panicky without him. We are both very independent people but we really have not been apart hardly in 6 years.  You start to depend on having the regular appearance of that person and when it isn't there you start to feel that something isn't right. The nice thing about feeling so connected is that he doesn't have to be gone for 2 weeks for me to learn to appreciate him all over again.  By the way he was the 1% that I didn't fall instantly in love with.  He grew on me slowly but surely.  And he definitely had things that were at the top of my list that I didn't want.  The first being someone smaller than me.  But here I am with a guy 100 pounds lighter than me but you would never know it with his big personality.  Enough about guys.  I just was thinking about those journals and what broken records they will be.  Yikes.  I know I am not reading them again.

Parents and money

I am currently 35 years old and you would think that I wouldn't need to ask my Dad for money.  But with my Contract for Deed going south I just couldn't cover those payments.  So do we ever get a point that we get to stop asking our parents for money?  Being in the banking world I know of people in there 40s, 50s and 60s that still need to ask their parents for money so I guess that helps make me feel better.  I just hope that I am not one of those people when I am that age!

Off

Do you ever have one of those days when you are bit off.  Yesterday was like that for me.  I discoverd about 11 that I was a bit off because I had my underwear on inside out.  Just regular cotton undies you would think would not make that much difference but it just didn't feel right.  Not uncomfortable or anything just....not....quite...right.

Accupuncture

I don't care what people say accupuncture really does something.  I don't understand it all but I finally got to try it the last couple of weeks.  Ailments that I thought were sore muscles or bones out of place were no longer ailments after my qi started moving around.  It absolutely just fasincates me and hopefully will get me to a point where I feel normal again.  After having a child I realize there will be a new normal, I am just hoping for more energy, for focus and less anxiety. 

Where were you?

On December 14, 2012 a man walked into an elementary school and shot 26 people.  20 were 1st graders.  It is by far the most emotion I have felt about a global event.  It brings about a lot of questions.  Should people have guns?  How would we even take them all away?  Do people just need to be taught something about guns and killing?  Kids don't really understand where their food even comes from.  They have not seen anything die and wonder why it was it died.  What is the purpose?  Is it necessary?  In 30 or 60 years where will we be.  Living in a small town am I going to have to put bars on my windows?  We don't have to worry about terrorists just each other?  Is more government regulation really the answer?  Or maybe less?  Everyone for themselves.  I don't have the answer.  I know that I am not going to start carrying a gun.  I don't feel like I need to load up on guns. 

Sandy Hook has been touched by evil and I hope they will be stronger for it and not get swallowed up by it.

Listening

I think that all of us need to be reminded every once in awhile that we need to be good listeners.

The stupid people we work with

I try to not get too down on the people that I work with because it becomes intollerable working with them.  But sometimes you just have to vent.  There is a woman who makes about twice as much as I do and the other day she was trying to get a document to me for me to put on letterhead.  First off she can't attach anything to an email, she didn't even know her computer had an on/off switch,...you get the idea.  I don't know why this set me off the other day but really come on.  I asked if she could attach the document that she had typed to an email, from Microsoft Word, and she kept talking about scanning it.  I said that isn't going to work, at least not as well.  She has it right in her computer just send me the f-ing document.  Then she says well I only have the second page not the first.  How the f- can you not have the first page.  Then I asked her if she opened a session and typed the first page and opened a second to type the second.  Like she didn't know that she could just keep going.  I about lost it and told her that she really needed to take a computer class.  I realize that she is up there and I do feel there is a point you are around more for your historical knowledge then being able to keep up, but really you have to at least attempt to keep up.

Kindergarten

My son has started Kindergarten.  I can't believe he is that old.  Now begins the next 13 years of what he will be doing.  He has taken to it like a champ.  One of the aids said he just owns the hallways.  I am glad to hear that he is so confident in a new environment.  He has a small class on a great teacher.  I hope that goes all the way through his school years.  One bad teacher can totally wreck the rest of school so it is great that he is off to a good start and seems interested in what is going on.  I can't believe how much he has learned already.  The other day he counted to 28 without missing a beat.  He only stopped because he was counting steps in the shop and the shop ended.  He loooooooooooves riding the bus.  The other day I was going to pick him up and he wanted to ride the bus home instead so I drove home and waited for him to get off the bus.  He just looks so big.  I do wish now that there was another little one on the way but at the same time I don't need that kind of anxiety in my life when I have just gotten to a point where I sleep through the night.  A much needed thing if I am to keep my sanity!

The other side of marriage

This is my new segment called the other side of marriage.  I feel that I have a very good relationship with my husband.  We are best friends, lovers, parents and individuals.  Honestly marriage is going much better than I planned and I actually picked someone that I got along with instead of someone that I was just all horned up about.  It really bugs me however how he discusses.  Sometimes he can have a discussion and other times he gets very defensive if you bring something up.  And if there is something that I do that irritates him he will make comments but if I didn't the same things to him he would be pissed and defensive. 
It is these subtle things that you learn after you have been together for a long time.  I don't have the answer for how to fix these little pissing matches we get into and I don't know if I want to because sometimes I just am crabby like that.  I think that after you are married these subtle moments change because before you are married you think "I can just leave" or "I don't want them to leave, what can I do to/for them to make them happy and stay"  When you are married it turns into "How can I piss him off more to show him he is being totally ridiculous"  You know that neither one of you is going anywhere and you can play power games or you can just get over it and move on.  I am a big fan of the get over it and move but it is fun to toy with them a bit before you get over it!

Truly cherished moments

I don't know if my Auntie Karen realizes just how much I appreciate that the last two years she has come up here.  It is just how I dreamed vacations would be.  There is no stress (at least I don't feel any)  I am just glad to have my family up here to see them and for them to be doing things that they would like to do.  I don't feel like I have to hang out with them for the whole week.  This year we divided up and it worked great.  My Aunt and her best friend, my cousin and sister, and then my cousins daughter was with us.  I think that everyone had a great time.  Next year my uncle will be coming along.  We will see who he pairs off with for the week!  Perhaps his favorite nephew!  But the time together is great and everyone is relaxed and happy and not worrying about doing this or getting that done.  Or having to see so and so.  If it happens great and if not don't lose any sleep over it.

Couple things

Being a parent is hard being a step-parent is way harder.  I am not complaining I have a great step-daughter and we get along great.  But it is a fine line that you are always walking.  I might dive into that more later.

I have a bit of a dilema.  I have a friend that has a boyfriend that is a nice enough guy.  But early on in their relationship I had a bad feeling that I shared with my friend and I have for the most part been good about not bringing it up again.  My friend is just going to have to figure out on her own whether this is how she wants to spend the rest of her life.  Like I said he isn't a bad guy.  So another buddy had the opportunity to hang out with the boyfriend.  When the buddy got back from hanging out with my friend's boyfriend he said that all the boyfriend talked about was how much stuff he had gotten his girlfriend to buy him, the boyfriend also never paid for his lunch that day or gas and didn't offer to pitch in any money towards it.  Again it is a situation where my Buddy says he is a nice enough guy but he is using his girlfriend.

I know it gets confusing not using names, but we run into these dilemmas all the time in life and it is so frustrating trying to figure it out.  I don't want to piss off my friend but I just want to share.  I know relationships need to run their course and there is no rushing it. 

I believe that we all chose partners and they are all going to have something that is wrong with them or something that we put up with or ...something, but we love them anyway.  I think the thing that I like the least is the smoking.  I always imagined one day I would quit, but I really suck at quitting when my husband is a smoker too.  So since we have chosen to slowly fill our lungs with tar that is maybe worse then being with someone that is living off of you.

There is always a chance

"when the instructions say the marshmallows could start on fire, they mean it! "-Karli after making smores pie which she got a lot of compliments on.  First of all I am very glad that my sister is interested in cooking.  I think we could have a lot of fun with that. 

I just read her entery about wanting to have babies.  By the way I am all for her having babies and lots of them.  Here is a couple of things I think that I know for sure:

-You are never totally ready.  If you want them have them.  Otherwise you are just making excuses

-If one person wants babies and the other doesn't, don't count on trying to change the one's mind who doesn't want babies because most likely it isn't going to happen.  Been there and done that.  Lost

-It feels like forever when you are not having babies and then all of the sudden you have one and the only thing you remember about the time before having kids was sometime back in high school and then all of the sudden you are old with kids and you spend a lot of time talking about how old you are and how quick the kids are growing up.  That was one heck of a run on sentence.

-You spend a lot of time worrying about when, where, how, with who, how will I be as a parent, what is the kid(s) going to be like and it in the end you deal with what you get and you do what you can.  As they learn in preschool "you get what you get and you don't pitch a fit".

-Don't set yourself up to fail. 

-It never works out how you had it all planned out in your head.

That is about all I know today.  I hope it isn't too negative advise.

I am so glad that I have you for a sister!