Valentine's

Valentine's Day is a very thoughtful day in my opinion.  Sometimes you can do or get great things and other times not so much.  I do always like it though as a little reminder to think about others.  Which reminds me that I should have sent my sister some flowers but I am tapped out.  Sorry Sis!  I am hoping to make Skinner some bacon roses we will see how that goes.

Love it

I love sharing this blog with my sister.  It was great to hear about work, not that I don't talk to her you just add in extra verbage when you are writing like you are talking to everyone in the world. 

Work: interesting that you brought that up last time.  I have worked as a loan officer now longer than I have done anything else.  I really enjoy it.  Is it something that I will do forever, it will be interesting to see.  There really is nothing else that I can do with my level of education and not a lot of opportunities in this small town anyway.  So I will definately be here for awhile anyway. 

Bette White turned 90 and I watched her birthday bash on TV.  Over the course of her career she really played a horny woman a lot. She is very cheeky and I still love her. 

By the way Auntie you need to get your butt up here more often.  Your nephew was just asking about you again last night.

Ah life . . .

So, I am getting closer to have a work identity.  What's worse, is that I am realizing just how much I have let my job identify who I am over the last couple of years.  I don't mind being labeled "hard working" or "dedicated" (which I feel I am)  But to be changing positions and feel as though everything is wrong, just because its different . . . .it's strange.  On a lighter note, I am sleeping better and I have found myself laughing a lot more, which is AWESOME!!  So, what does that tell you?  Either my job was way more stressful then I thought or I was starting to not like it or I take things WAY to seriously.  (psst - I think it was all of the above)  I am not longer in charge of the "Large scale musical" but I have ramped down to take a break and do a "small show in an experimental theater".  (for those of you theater buffs, you will understand me perfectly)  And, OH MY GOSH!!  I could actually do some theater again . . .maybe. 

Lost Puppy Syndrome

Recently at my place of work, we have undergone some changes.  The boss that I had for 6 years decided that he was going to pursue other business ventures.  Good for him.  However, the terms in which he and I left it was not the greatest.  Needless to say, I am still very angry and disappointed with the entire situation. 

But, what's done is done.  Moving on.

It is interesting to me how much I have engulfed myself in my job, to the point that it decided what I wear . . . Let me explain. 

Under the new Boss, he is switching things up.  Due to the old boss being on a sabbatical, a lot of his responsibilities fell on my shoulders for that 3 months (but he still got to call the shots and get paid, go figure)  Now, there is more upper Management then I have ever dealt with.  Before it was me and the old boss.  Now I am facing yet another person to answer to before I answer to the Boss.  Responsibilities and being cut back, but hopefully not the pay :).  Job description is up in the air and no questions have been answered.  I call this the "Lost Puppy Syndrome".  It has gotten to the extent of the unknown that I don't even know what to wear in the morning.  How sad is that.  I have let this job dictate who I am to the point that I don't even know what to wear.  Not knowing my day will bring at work.  Am I going to like it? Am I going to be able to share the responsibility and not be bitter?  Am I going to step too far back and get myself in trouble?  Who knows . . . .

It really is unfortunate that I spent the last two weeks with my old boss completely feeling disrespected and angry.  I was told that the only reason I was successful at my job was because of him . . . .In my review, the terms like sluffing off were used . . . . .he was disappointed in me.  Disappointing him!?!  What do you think I was feeling about him?!?  I have never felt so angry and confused in my life.  Someone that I had trusted and worked with and for, threw me right under the bus without hesitation.  It was a hard lesson to learn, but you can't trust everyone and rarely anyone.  And those you think you can trust will almost always disappoint you or shatter your looking glass.  It was recommended by someone that I go to his new work place and make amends.  Right, sounds like a good idea, but I am in no way ready to even say hi.  I have never, ever, had anyone treat me the way that he treated me in both my work review and in our ending conversations.  The greatest part of the entire story is that he is still going to be around in an unofficial capacity for the next three weeks. AWESOME!!!  (please note the sarcasm)

I am hoping that this week will result in some answers and hopefully the rest of my wardrobe will fall into place.

Odds and Ends (Playing catch up)

Wow!  I have a lot to catch up on.  And, no, I did not roll my eyes, but it did make me giggle a little.  On religion:  I was very "spiritual" when I grew up, but I, unfortunately, grew out of the practicing part of religion.  The only times that I have felt spiritual is when I look over the lake and I see the sun coming through the grey clouds, and that to me, is my mother poking her head out and saying, "I'm still here and I'm watching you :)"  I do still believe in god and when I do go to church, it is a Lutheran church.  But, when I was a teenager, I became very pissed and wondered why everyone told me this is how it was . . .I mean Bible stuff.  This is what happened!  I didn't appreciate that and I wanted to make my own idea of what history was, yes, God is involved, but so are the dinosaurs. 

As far as the "Buddy" character.  I don't know what I feel.  My friends were in the building when he decided to open fire and I worry about them and hope they are doing OK.  I knew him, I feel bad for his family, but my sis is right!  Own Up!

And my nephew!  Don't even get me started, he is quite the character.  I enjoy that whenever I come to the house it's "Sleep Over Time".  Time to hang with Auntie!  When I went to town for Christmas, I could only be there for the day (because I had car trouble again!)  and as I was heading out to come back home, I went to say goodbye to him and his sister.  He, with his bottom lip sticking out, asked me "Why?".  Now, if you knew this kid, it would break your heart to hear the disappointment in his voice.  I was crushed, but he understood and can't wait to come in visit or have me come back to his house.   The last time he was at my house, his mom took him upstairs to go potty, and when they were walking up the stairs he said "Aunties house is old".  I think I need to put a new layer of paint on everything :)

ps.  If I hadn't just gotten done with a 10 hour work day, I would write about my adventures "on the job".  I will save that for the next post. :)

Prayer

It is time to get a little religious.  I know my sister is going to roll her eyes at this, but it is important to me and it is important that my children know this in a straight forward way since they may not pick up on it during their childhood.  A misconception I had about you your father children is that he didn't strick me as the most religious type guy.  But actually he is incredibly spiritual.  And he truly feels the most in touch with God when he is in the woods.  I have heard a lot of people say that they feel closer to God outside.  I personally think they are sort of telling the truth and also they want an excuse to get out of going to church.  But your father is very spiritual.  He prays before he goes to bed.  I can hear him whispering and I asked him what he was doing one time and he said praying.  He sometimes is singing a song too but he said he prays a lot.  Your Dad likes to talk a lot so I guess it shouldn't surprise me that since he is praying man that he would have a lot to say.  One of the things that I have noticed too doing youth work is that some kids have this built in spirituality.  I don't know where it came from or why they have it but they do.  Up until a couple of years ago B had no really regular religious interaction.  But we started going to church and she just loved and really seems to have a connection with God.  I pray Kaj gets to be the same way.  He is starting to have really fun questions and comments, like when we were waiting for the Christmas Eve service to start and he said when is God going to get here?...Cause I haven't met him yet.  It is wonderful to Bs faith growing and how much she is learning and the excitment that she has for it.  I also makes her Dad really happy too that she has that in her. 

Hot Bed

I really enjoy being married.  It sounds a bit funny to say since we got married 4 months ago it is still new.  We have lived together for over 5 years.  So I would say that is quite a bit of time to be together.  I love Skinner and have become dependent on him.  As much as I hate to say that it is true.  When you are in a relationship it is nice to know that you can do things yourself, but you also need to allow yourself to rely on and trust the other person.  When I was in Australia I got to know this wonderful couple in their fifties.  They had been married for almost 40 years and they were in counceling.  He was a wonderful man but she just had problems trusting him.  He hadn't cheated or abusive.  She just wasn't wired to trust.  The councelor had them do an exercise.  He was to lock the car doors every night for a week and she couldn't nag or even ask if he had.  She just had to trust that he would.  It was incredible.  She lasted a couple of days and then she just had to ask him.  We tend to come to rely on our partners, we need to to have a partnership, be a part of a team.  We don't know how we ever did it alone, but we have done it alone and someday we will again and we will be alright.  Skinner reminds me of that every once in awhile.  He is teasing me about something but it is a good reminder that we each have been on our own and while we love having the other person on our "team" we would each be alright on our own and the other person doesn't have to worry we will be alright.
On the other side of the coin when married the other person is always around and always will be.  Unless it is scheduled you just aren't going to be sure when you are going to get "me" time.  Last night Skinner climbed into bed and while I almost can't fall asleep with out us laying back to back because that has become so much a part of my routine.  He brings up the temp. in the bed about a 100 degrees to where I can't sleep.  And if he falls asleep first his legs twitch and the heavy breathing (sometimes snoring but not as much as one might think).  I just have to get out of there to go to a cooler room. 
Funny how people just can't be happy where they are and be thankful for the position they are in.