Nothing

I have not done one thing to accomplish the previous post.

Fit

I have really railed against dieting.  It would piss me off that these super skinny girls felt so poorly about themselves that they were always saying they needed to go on a diet.  So I have just resisted it.  We all need to be happy with who we are and really we don't have a lot of control about how our bodies are.  Yes you can be skinny but by doing it the wrong way it can make you sick and weak.  I really am big boned.  There is nothing I do about my ankles they are always going to be big.  But I do need to be healthier and I do need to shed some weight.  I need to lay of sugar and cheese and do need to do more "activities"  I just don't know what that is for me.  At this point I am so out of shape that the idea of going to a class I would be terrified of passing out.  And they only meet once a week.  I need to do something everyday after work like when I was in high school and we did volleyball everyday after school.  I have gotten videos (boring), gym equipment (at least I was only buying from garage sales because I would use it a couple of times and it was uncomfortable so away it would go), a yoga mat (but everytime I get on the floor the kids climb on me).  Really I have excuses for everything.  I just need to buckle down and do something.  I need to remember to start small so that I don't feel like a failure right away.  I need to work on quiting smoking and eating right.  So I am going to try and post here everyday to try and keep accountable and I have got to do one of those mirror selfies because quite often I don't notice that my body is changing.  So that is my plan now I just need to get motivated to start and figure out what I am going to do.

New beginnings and baggage

It never fails that just when you think that you have moved on and did it a long time ago something like a dream about an ex and his new wife and you all in a bed that makes you go what the heck was that about.  And then of course you see them later in person that day which never happens because you maybe see them once a year and it is usually in a car driving by.
The new beginnings is my sister running the Landing!  Love that she is doing that and I hope it works out that she will get to do it for a very long time.  It seems like God keeps giving her the opportunity to back out of it so it will be interesting to see what will happen in the end.  Will she find an investor?  Will she want to actually do it?  Can she keep up the pace?  Will this impact her choice of wanting kids?  Will she find a man?  Funny how it is that moving on with your life and not just sitting around waiting for a man to take care of you makes it harder or so it seems.  Please don't settle when you are young just because it might feel harder later on.  Wow that just got really complicated in my brain when I was going talk more about that so I will just stop now.  But just know that if you feel offended by what I said don't I feel there is more that I need to clarify there.  I just can't do it right now because I am Holidayed out and my brain has fried from lefsa.

Change

We always have change in our lives whether it is a small schedule change or a big change like the auction we just had of all our equipment.  It is a hard lesson to learn for kids and when audults are dealing with the big change at the same time it is hard to remember to think of the kids and help them to know that it is all going to be ok.  It isn't the end of the world.  We have had a lot of change lately.
-First Gert kept falling and not taking her meds.  We moved her to an adult foster care place.  Hillhaven is an amazing place for her to be.  There is always someone there and she is having all her meals made for her and housekeeping is all taken care of.  They make sure she takes her meds and if she falls there are emergency buttons all over the place.
-Lady died, very peacefully during the night.  We knew it was coming but still is sad.
-Auction of all the logging and dirt work equipment.

Big changes happened in just a couple of weeks.  After a little depression here hopefully we will start fresh and on a different road that will be more successful.  Success being measured by less stress, more family time and still be able to pay the bills.

When I am old...

When I am old and need to be moved to a place where more people can care for me.  I will try not to hold it against my children.  When I am old and need more care I hope that I am able to recognize it at the same time my children do so that they won't have to break it to me or forcible have to make me stop driving.  Currently we have a Grandma who is 87.5 and she just seems to keep going along at her place in Arizona and let me tell you she really should be in assisted living.  I told me Aunt we are just going to have to move her whether she likes it or not.  She is not arriving at an anwer on her own so this is what we are going to have to do.  It isn't going to be pretty but I just don't want her to be down there by herself anymore and I don't want someone else to get hurt with her driving.

Life Adventures

First, I would like to say that you are not the only one that asks Dad for money.  He came to softball night, while he was in town, and I tugged on the sleeve of his shirt, and like a child, I asked Dad for ten bucks.  The only difference was that I wanted a beer.

But, anywho, I have been feeling bored at work lately and have finally gotten the courage to do something, or attempt, to do something about it.  I, as an adult, have managed to purchase a house, a car, 2 large dogs and, like most people, find myself broke every month due to how complicated I have made my life.  I admire my friends that saved money and bought 40 acres and will continue to live in the trailer home on the back of their dodge pickup truck while they build there dream home.  Life seems so much simpler for them.  So, I am going to make some phone calls to see if there is something else out there for me.  I have worked at the same job for almost 8 years(in October) and am needing a change.  Put the house on the market, move into the woods and attempt to make a living near my family and friends.  I am getting support from my other half in doing so.  I hope that there is something out there for me.  And, then I will ask Dad for money to pay back the 401K loan I took out to pay everything off :)  Its a big viscous cycle.

Anxiety

My old friend anxiety has come to visit again.  I was out of work for about a month just trying to calm down and feel normal again.  Not panic so much this time as anxiety attacks.  I have gotten to have some wonderful experiences though with having energy work done and accupuncture.  I will try anything when I am not feeling well.  I wonder how long I will be on the meds this time.  I don't mind the meds other than it ruins my sex life.  Maybe some of the energy work can help with that.  I am at least not embarrassed.  I can't help that this happens to me.